Every married couple hears this piece of advice somewhere along the line: never go to bed angry. Maybe grandma told you this when you got engaged; she shared with you how she and grandpa always made sure to kiss goodnight before going to sleep, and they’ve been married (knock on wood), 52 years and counting.
Or maybe you read it in a book on marriage someone handed you that optimistically described how every day is a new day, and don’t carry your resentments from one day to the next, and everything should just be love and joy!
Or perhaps you got this message from your pastor/rabbi/imam, who expressed a belief that anger is destructive to a marriage, or a sign of weakness/poor character, or a sin.
Hogwash.
I have worked with hundreds of couples in my work as a marriage coach and counselor, and I have yet to encounter anyone who said that the never-go-to-bed-angry approach has been working for them. Not one person has said to me that, if they and their partner are angry at each other, insisting on staying up late and battling through it has yielded positive results.
Instead, almost always when people try this, the outcome is that instead of being angry at bedtime, they are now angry at 3 in the morning and exhausted the next day to boot.
Sound familiar?
A Different Perspective on Going to Bed Angry
You’re not alone. With all due respect to your grandma and your clergyperson, this well-intentioned philosophy isn’t really in line with the way most of us work. Coming down from the Red Zone of Anger generally takes a bit of time. You cannot instantly will your pulse to slow down or your cortisol levels to abate.
What you can do is take a break to calm yourself down—via meditation, yoga, working out, whatever fits best for you—and then try again later.
Of course, bedtime may not be the best time for any of these things (especially when there’s a big meeting in the morning, say). And so the best approach is just to go to bed angry.
Yes, it’s uncomfortable. Yes, it’s awkward. Think back to the last few times you tried to resolve an issue before going to sleep and let me know if feeling awkward is better or worse than that.
I don’t know anybody who can do a good job of dealing with a tough marital issue in the throes of anger. I include myself in this statement. When you’re physiologically ramped up, your brain is operating in a totally different mode, one in which yelling and attacking seem like more attractive options than validating and empathizing.
That does not make for marital harmony.
How to Pull It Off
I am fully aware that this can be difficult. Some people really have trouble going to bed when they are at that level of angry. I’d wager that most people do, actually.
So what do you do?
Some physical measures will help here—deep breaths, warm tea, a spritz of lavender on the pillow. Help your body calm down so it can fall asleep.
But even more important will be what you do in your head.
Do not sit there stewing over everything that was said, about why you are right and your partner is wrong, or about how your marriage is going to fall apart if you don’t resolve this argument RIGHT NOW. (In 99.9% of cases, it won't.) This for sure won’t get you to conk out.
Instead, you are called upon to think thoughts that will help you tolerate the admittedly uncomfortable situation. Those sound like this:
· “We can deal with this better tomorrow.”
· “We’re allowed to go to bed angry!”
· “My partner is not going to leave me over this fight.”
(Even if the fight you just had is so monumental that the relationship actually is in jeopardy, I would argue that all the more so, escalating further into a ginormous fight probably isn’t going to make things better.)
If you have trouble not thinking about all the various aspects of the argument, take a few minutes with a pencil and paper to write them all down. “I’m angry about X.” “He said Y, which is totally unacceptable,” etc. (BTW, using your phone at bedtime is bad for your sleep hygiene; stick with analog writing options.)
Get the thoughts on paper where your brain can relax and be sure that you won’t forget them. Then lie in bed quietly and continue thinking those reassuring thoughts.
You can also switch over to positive thoughts: remind yourself what you love about your partner. Think about how even though what they said/did today was terrible, they nonetheless are hardworking/funny/loving/a good parent/considerate/etc. If your marriage is not on its last legs, you ought to have a good number of positive features to focus on.
You can also just turn your brain to other positive memories. Think back to that time you went out with your friends in college and did that crazy thing, or when you won that championship, or when your kid said that hilarious line. Or even watch your favorite movie in your head—anything that will signal to your body to cut the stress hormones and cool down.
Granted, it’s not the easiest thing in the world. If you’re like your grandma or your priest and you can flip a switch and turn on the sweetness then and there, go for it. I don’t know a lot of people like that.
For the rest of us, let it be. Honestly. It’s okay to go to bed angry. “Never go to bed angry” simply isn’t good advice for today’s couples. And if you let go of that obligation in your head, I promise you’ll save a lot of wear and tear on your relationship.
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